To call WrestleMania 27 an abomination would be an understatement. A mere glance at the card for this year’s flagship PPV would immediately indicate to any astute wrestling fan that the show would not be as strong as previous years. That notwithstanding, even the most clued-in fan could not have braced him or herself for the garbage that WWE effortlessly slapped together and put out as the best product it has to offer. The show was embarrassingly unwatchable – even for WWE’s ever-declining standards.
Understandably, WrestleMania has always been a show where celebrities are invited to give the show a pop-culture appeal, and this year was no different with the involvement of Snooki, and former WWE Champions The Rock and Stone Cold Steve Austin. However, the object of celebrity involvement is to help accentuate the wrestling product without detracting from it. WWE’s obsessive focus on celebrities and former wrestlers at the expense of actual contracted wrestlers is astonishingly idiotic.
First we had The Rock starting out the show with a fifteen-minute-long introduction that essentially involved him telling the world that everything belonged to “The People.” From the people’s air, to the people’s water, to the people’s ring, to the people’s show, to the people’s champion…I’m sure everyone under the age of ten found this endearing, as I certainly did at that age, but it dragged on and became incredibly tedious.
Moreover, that was fifteen minutes they could have taken seven minutes out of and given us an epic Melina vs. Gail Divas match that would have conclusively stolen the show, and eight minutes they could have tacked But let’s look at these crapfests (that WWE wants us to consider “matches”) in more detail:
WWE World Heavyweight Championship match: Edge (c) def. Alberto Del Rio
Firstly, it must be said that WWE continues to outdo their own matchless stupidity by advertising that the winner of the Royal Rumble will main event of WrestleMania, only to make the Royal Rumble winner start the show like an unimportant jobber.
While this was one of the better matches on the card, this was far from what I expected between these two guys. Del Rio has been impressive for a long time, and I believed that he was going to bring something spectacular to his WrestleMania debut. This wasn’t the case. Edge’s somersault dive to the outside of the ring was the highlight of this match, but it still couldn’t push this match above average for me.
Rating: 2.5/5
Cody Rhodes def. Rey Mysterio
From bell to bell, this match was an absolute bore. I usually enjoy Rey Mysterio’s matches, but this one was not good at all. It didn’t help that the legendary luchador was working with someone who only has his job because of his last name. The whole idea of using gimmicks like face masks is simply to conceal the fact that Cody Rhodes is simply not a very good worker. A true wrestler doesn’t need facemask gimmicks; they can get in the ring and draw heel heat. Cody is not that wrestleron to the nanosecond-long tag match that was absolutely pointless
While Cody Rhodes is infinitely more talented than the nepotistic disgrace that is Ted DiBiase, we have to be honest that if Rhodes’ had a different daddy, he’d probably possess an irrepressible stench of stale fries and grease after torturously long work days flipping burgers at his local McDonalds.
Rating: 1/5
Big Show, Kane, Santino Marella, Kofi Kingston def. The Corre
How is it possible to rate a match that had eight people but lasted for a nanosecond?
What I will say about this match is that it further demonstrates the record-breaking idiocy of WWE Creative. After months of Nexus, New Nexus, Corre, etc...WWE flushes all that booking down the toilet by jobbing out the very talentless guys they’ve labored for months to get over.
Good job, WWE!
Rating: N/A
Randy Orton def. CM Punk
This match was clearly the best match of the night -- although it could have been so much better with more development. In the past, I have been VERY critical of CM Punk, and I have always believed that he is overrated by the WWE and the WWE Universe. Tonight, however, he clearly lived up to the hype. His heel work in the ring was innovative, fresh, and missing the sloppy element that he usually brings. His kicks were clean, his combinations were excellent, and his defenses were fantastic.
I may be scathing and opinionated, but one thing I am not is a dishonest hater. If someone impresses me, I will gladly change my opinion and point out their excellence. CM Punk epitomized excellence tonight. Randy Orton was pretty good, too.
Rating: 3/5
Michael Cole def. Jerry Lawler by disqualification
Without question, this was the most odious match on the card. It was embarrassingly abysmal. Cole is a wannabe Vickie Guerrero in the sense that he saw the success she had as a natural heel and thought he could replicate that. Needless to say, he has FAILED. He is NOT a good heel. He is incredibly contrived and takes away from other talent, as opposed to adding to wrestling talent like Vickie Guerrero does.
This match went WAY too long and was one of the harbingers that pointed to this WrestleMania breaking records as the worst in WWE history.
Rating: 0/5
Undertaker def. Triple H
This match was a HUGE disappointment. One has to be seriously deficient in wrestling knowledge to consider this match impressive. The match was nothing more than Triple H and Undertaker hitting finishers back and forth and kicking out for near-falls. THAT IS NOT EFFECTIVE WRESTLING! There was no real captivating story, and certainly no real development. It was FINISHER after FINISHER after FINISHER. If some indy guys put on a match like this with far more impressive maneuvers, WWE marks will be calling it a poorly worked spot-fest. What makes this match any different?
If WWE wanted to give Taker the win, then give him the win. The idea of having Taker carried off on a stretcher after winning a match is NOT creative. It’s just idiotic.
Rating: 2/5
John Morrison, Trish Stratus, and Snooki def. Dolph Ziggler and Lay-Cool
This match was not good. John Morrison and Snooki were clearly the stars. It’s quite astonishing that the “legendary” Diva Trish Stratus was clearly the odd one out on her team as far as athletic talent is concerned. Snooki clearly outperformed Trish Stratus in every imaginable way. Morrison’s Starship Pain was excellent, also.
The heel team was basically non-existent as the selfish McCool was the only one that actually got any in-ring action on the heel side.
If nothing else, this match shows how formulaic and overrated as an athlete that the yoga-practicing Canadian “legend” is. Her matrix move routinely looks like it is being performed by an 80-year-old woman with several osteoporotic spinal fractures, and after years in the ring and seven undeserved titles, Trish is still incapable of concealing the fact that she has to have EVERY. SINGLE. MOVE. in her matches preplanned.
Rating: 2/5 (for Morrison and Snooki’s impressive athleticism)
WWE Champion The Miz def. John Cena
It was fitting that this craptacular match was chosen as the main event, as it exemplifies the absolute disgrace that this show was. I have been a prophet in the wilderness as far as Miz is concerned, preaching diligently about how talentless this unctuous toad is, and how he portends WWE’s decline if his push is continued. Miz proved me right by putting on the worst main event in the history of wrestling PPV. Much like the rest of the show, Miz’s idea of working a good match is hitting finishers and having his opponent kick out for near-falls. There was no storyline, Miz is incapable of creating natural heat with aggressive offense, he has no ring presence, and he moves around the ring like a rookie after his first week of practicing bumps.
The fact that this man has NOT put on a single noteworthy match that shows any semblance of in-ring promise, but managed to finagle his way to the main-event spot of WrestleMania is evidence of how disgracefully stupid WWE’s creative team is. If this match does not prove to the retarded Miz marks that sit on the creative team that this man is starkly unqualified for the post of WWE Champion, nothing will.
Rating: 1/5
This PPV was a special conjoining of idiotic booking and daft match formulations that used endless finisher kick-outs to cover up an inability to work in the ring. It’s no surprise that the first WrestleMania that the Miz headlines, in his first WWE Championship defense on the big stage, results in the absolute worst WrestleMania in WWE history.
Com-miz-erations, WWE. I’m sure the only thing that will be lower than the DVD sales for this event will be next year’s WrestleMania PPV buys…
